I find it very difficult to make friends these days. Well, at least I think I do, I'm really not so sure. Maybe it's that I don't want to make anymore friends? I'm pretty happy with the group I've got at the moment, both close and the ones that come and go, and I think it's a lot to do with effort. You have to make the effort to get people to like you, you know? Well, no, that's not true - a true friend isn't your friend if you're someone else around them and being someone else requires effort. I'm really not making a lot of sense, I've obviously chosen a great time in my mind to write something down.

I think what I mean is that in order to make new friends you have to show an interest in being sociable with people you don't know and for me, personally, these days that is a big ask. The idea of being in a room full of people I do know can quite often leave me exhausted and wanting to lie in bed and stare up at my ceiling. During these times I often have quite dark thoughts, but now isn't the time for that discussion. I usually just rely on Netflix to get me through those periods of time, hoping I can watch enough episodes of 'The League' to muster up the energy to go and hang out with people I care about. How miserable is that? It makes me seem like a total frigid bitch, but I'm not. At least, i hope I'm not. Who's knows, maybe I am? It's just... how can I even exist in a room full of people I don't know when I literally have to prepare my mind to be around the people I love?

I'm supposed to be going to see some very old friends in late January, and I am terrified. I've already come up with a thousand reasons not to and written 5 or 6 drafts of texts I want to send to cancel but I haven't sent anything yet. I think it's guilt that's stopping me from doing so, because when it comes to these guys I dropped off the radar for a little while and sometimes I feel guilty that I don't make the effort enough for them (see above, with the exhaustion and fear for reasons why). But then I get angry because I think 'They've done so much without me already, why does it fucking matter if I go to this thing?' and then I feel bitter and twisted about it all and my very fond memories of them get warped into something else entirely, which then results in panic at the thought of seeing them again. It's like a full blown argument in my brain, it's... well, as you've probably guessed it's exhausting.

I would say I spend 60-70% of my time complaining of being tired. But when you think about things as much as I think about things making a cup of tea is fucking exhausting. So making friends... it's just not gonna happen anytime soon.

Does that make me lazy?