I first started writing a blog because a boy I fancied wrote one. Then I kept writing the blog because other people told me they liked my blog. Then I dedicated myself writing the blog every day because the boy I fancied told me he read it and I thought I could be cute and lay clues to the fact that I liked him on there and he'd see it and slowly but surely fall for me too.Then I wrote my blog because everything with the boy I fancied got fucked up and I wanted to write really passive aggressive notes about him and talk other boys I liked in the hope of hurting him as much as he'd hurt me. Then I wrote my blog in the hopes of getting attention from other boys. Then I wrote my blog because I wanted attention full stop. Then it was because of the first boy again, then it was because of someone else then I graduated from University and finally I just stopped writing the fucking blog.

I've tried writing a blog again since but it's never caught. everything has fallen through, much like any and all other projects I have tried to kick start since I graduated. I have a lot of ideas but bring nothing to fruition. I had the realisation that this was because (much like it was with my first blog) I was in need of constant attention and reassurance from other people and the I knew that the quickest and most efficient way of doing this was via social media. For me, a blog was a great pretense; I could claim the entire time that I was 'a writer' and 'being creative' when actually all I was doing was seeking approval and attention. But i didn't want to write it because I felt I had something to say - I wanted to do it for the sake of doing it. I repeat, this was the case FOR ME. Not every blogger out there is as much of a mess as I am.

Once I had that very embarrassing and humbling thought I realised that all I wanted to write about was exactly how I felt, no matter who it upset and what anyone thought of me for it. And I wanted to stop feeling shaming for the way I used to be and I see talking about things as a method of diminishing that shame. I also realised that every time I sat down to write anything it just sounded like absolute crap - like a kid making up a story as she goes along to impress her kid mates you know? 'My Dad's bigger than your dad' etc.

This is the first time in my life I've written actual real things about my life and for myself. These are the things that I know. Yeah, they might seem depressing and yeah they might seem pretentious but I think I'm kind of a depressing and pretentious person at my core. Right now, anyway. I'm not anything like I used to be but I'm also nothing like what I'm going to become. All I know is that writing these posts every so often is stopping me from sleeping all day and wanting to punch people in the face. And I don't feel like such a fake bitch whilst I'm writing this. And that's a positive thing.